One liners

Some quality one-liners for a bit of a cheeky wee chuckle.

- "My New Years resolution is to stop saying 'You go girl' to myself."

- I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought a box of animal crackers and the box said "Do not eat if seal is broken." Well the giraffe was ok. - Jimmy Carr

- I love the section about the shortest jokes with a punchline that you could 'maybe-sorta-get'. "Stationary store moves." "Dwarf shortage."

-Two fish in a tank; one says to the other "How the fuck do you drive this thing?".

- I quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

- The world is a rough place for a one man wolf pack

- I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born. -Chris Bliss

- Waitress, seeing leftover food on my table: "Do you wanna box for that?" Me, trying not to crack up: "No, but we could wrestle for it.."

- "I'm not addicted to cocaine, I just love the way it smells."-Richard Pryor

- I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the human body, but then I thought 'Hey! Look what's telling me that!'-Emo Phillips

More here.

Title image from here.